Saudade

Its a brazilian word... theres no translation in English. Saudade is what you FEEL when you miss someone. Its not the emptiness. Its the feeling. This is a word that only exists in the Portugese language, I proudly annouce. Once one famous brazilian song writer defined: "Saudade is cleaning up the bedroom of the son that had died". Something like that.. you feel when you have SAUDADE.

Tonight I cant sleep because I feel saudade. I miss someone. And I hate that I miss him, but I do. I didnt think I was going to miss him that much and now it makes me wonder if I was in love - because thats stuff that people that are in love do: they cant sleep, they cry all the time, they go through pictures and memories... the are deep in saudade. I am deep in saudade of someone that im 100% dont feel that shit for me. Most likely had moved on quickly... and I hate that Im stupid for feeling it, but I feel it. What can I do? It hurts inside. I cant sleep. I cry. Saudade hurts.

I wonder if this is something we can control... i wish there was a switch in my brain: on/off. But there isnt, and I miss him. Im an idiot for that, but tonite, all I feel is SAUDADE. =(