I know, its a song, but it came up right on time in my head. Ive had the worst past two weeks in this entire year ... hoping to feel better by Sunday, when I become one year older, hopefully wiser. Good thing about a little depression is that it puts you through a lot of thinking, deep, inner reflection. All this thinking brought me here tonight to write about our reactions to the bad things people do to us. How we react, act, chose to be, chose to treat other people after someone hurts us, after someone breaks our hearts, after we get really dissapointed with something, somebody... there are so many options to chose from, yet most of us insist on carrying the grief with us forever, wherever we go, and pass it along to other human beings that have absolutely nothing to do with whatever happened to us. How God damn unfair are we, poor human beings? I still get impressed by that, seriously.
I am not gonna go through aaaallll the drama in my life until the present moment, but I can tell you that Ive got my fair share of betrayal, violence, lies, dissapointments, stealing, broken dreams... enough to turn me into a high violence mass murderer, to start. Thank God Im not one today, but I sure keep a lot of this pain inside of me. So does everybody else. But this past week Ive seen someone not only keeping it all inside, but also punishing people around for that pain. And the sad part is that I could see in this person's eyes that there was so much pain still there that the only protection mode possible was to keep pushing people away, and treating they bad, in a way to keep the distance of any sort of human relationship. In my life, specially here in USA, I think Ive met at least 5 guys that had been screwed by some bitch and are COMPLETELY messed up even after years! - one of them couldnt even pronounce the name of his ex wife that cheated on him after 6 years they were divorced without getting red in anger. Thats some scary shit, you know? I used to feel pretty bad about this guy and tried to help until the point I realized I coudnt be mother Theresa and save the world, he had to do his part...
How hard it is to just let it go all those bad things and open our hearts to whatever the universe is going to bring us, huh? We all have our fears, be we all want love, we want to be loved. But how can we be loved if we dont open up and show our deepest layers so the other one can know who we are completely? Then I hear people complaining all the time they are alone and single. But these same people are all locked up in their private litle "ive been hurt, back up" world! How paradoxal is that? Once I asked someone emotionally unavailable the reason to be so closed, and the answer was: "Its boring, but its safe". People are just trading happiness for security! Oh God, where are we going??
I was so dissapointed this week that I promissed for a day to change: to be cold, closed, not to help, not to love, not to trust, not to open up. This promisse lasted no longer than a day. Because Im not like that, first of all, and second of all, what the fuck? So because two or three people have character flaws and made their doo-doos on me, Ill go around punishing people for that? I refuse to do that, I really do. And Im tired of seeing people suffering inside, with so much anger and pain and bringing this up in the wrong way, treating special people badly, passing up chances of happiness... simply for fear, for random anger. Its just sad. God has made us resilient creatures for a reason. So we could face the storms and still stand still. We all have the same chances to start over and be happy, with new friends, new people, new lovers, new partners... Its a matter of choice. And Id rather get hurt and cry but feel all the joys of love and friendship over and over again, than hide, not feeling anything and be numb. I feeling it. Im out there. Im ALIVE. And I can break a milion times but I refuse to get shattered. And I feel bad for those who chose to...
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