Today I decided to spoil myself - Lord please send me a man that will loooove to spoil me and then Ill be all set - and got a full back massage and new expensive bed sheets, the ones you feel like youre melting into them when youre laying down. I sure deserve it. Then I started to think about the many many times we forget to spoil ourselves, more importantly, we forget to LOVE ourselves in order to fit somewhere, to belong to some group, to hold something, to be in a relationship. We often mess up our priorities and put something or someone ahead of us, leaving whatever is left for our own. I can tell you Im a champion on doing that, and yes, I fight this bad habit on a daily basis because I know how harmful this is for my personal grownth and emotional development.
I always had the tendency to give more, and more and more so I could get something. Anything was fine. Just give me something. The lack of love and affection in my entire life had made me a slave of "the love of the others" since Ive known myself as a person. I must confess Ive made some progress on that and do not act like a hungry mutt staring at a piece of rotisserie chicken on the glass window. But I sure still forget sometimes whos the most important person here. Im always the giver. Always. And if I get lucky enough to receive something, its just fine. Ive been taught to stop rewarding people that arent giving me or doing anything good for me and start rewarding myself with more self-love and respect. That includes stay away from empty relationships, do not take bullshit from stupid people at work, delete from my life people that only made me cry - even if those were the ones that brought me to this world. My need of proving to everyone that Im a good human being had kept me from doing that for so long. And theres still so much work to do...
How far should we go when it comes to show your middle finger to the world and move on - do whatever you want to do just because thats whats gonna please YOU, just YOU? How far? How long should I wait to forget I have parents and take the weird looks and question marks on people's face when I mention I have no mother and father just as an ordinary look? Have I been always procastinating this moment just because Im afraid of what the society is going to think of me, even though, deep in my heart, this decision had been made since I was a teenager? How long should I remain in a relationship that gives me more question marks than goosebumps just because everyone else had told me I need to give it some more time? Should I take coldness, lack of interest, lack of emotional attachment, lack of ROMANCE and all the things Im missing just because we are not suppose to expect all the things we want from someone we are dating for not too long? Says who?
As a weak and constantly learning human being, I must confess this is hard as hell to do. It shouldnt, right? And if this is easy for you, please contact me, cuz I wanna learn. I want to learn how to be less available for people that dont even care much when they are with me or not. I want to learn how to be less organized and perfectionist and let the mess take place for at least once in my professional life - I wanto to be late because I overslept, for once. I want to stop trying to prove to everybody that Ive got reasons to chose to have no parents, and simply stand by my choice. Id like to stop being so nice and helpful to people that I barely know just because I want them to remember me as "that friendly girl" someday. I want to free myself from this vicious circle that keeps me from being and doing what I trully want to, in order to please someone or something. I want to expect that a man will treat me as a woman should be treated and not listen to everybody that says "theres no such a thing" or " you cant expect too much from men". I want to learn how to do that.
How far should I go? You tell me.
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