Its a brazilian word... theres no translation in English. Saudade is what you FEEL when you miss someone. Its not the emptiness. Its the feeling. This is a word that only exists in the Portugese language, I proudly annouce. Once one famous brazilian song writer defined: "Saudade is cleaning up the bedroom of the son that had died". Something like that.. you feel when you have SAUDADE.
Tonight I cant sleep because I feel saudade. I miss someone. And I hate that I miss him, but I do. I didnt think I was going to miss him that much and now it makes me wonder if I was in love - because thats stuff that people that are in love do: they cant sleep, they cry all the time, they go through pictures and memories... the are deep in saudade. I am deep in saudade of someone that im 100% dont feel that shit for me. Most likely had moved on quickly... and I hate that Im stupid for feeling it, but I feel it. What can I do? It hurts inside. I cant sleep. I cry. Saudade hurts.
I wonder if this is something we can control... i wish there was a switch in my brain: on/off. But there isnt, and I miss him. Im an idiot for that, but tonite, all I feel is SAUDADE. =(
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
How many times can we break without shattering?
I know, its a song, but it came up right on time in my head. Ive had the worst past two weeks in this entire year ... hoping to feel better by Sunday, when I become one year older, hopefully wiser. Good thing about a little depression is that it puts you through a lot of thinking, deep, inner reflection. All this thinking brought me here tonight to write about our reactions to the bad things people do to us. How we react, act, chose to be, chose to treat other people after someone hurts us, after someone breaks our hearts, after we get really dissapointed with something, somebody... there are so many options to chose from, yet most of us insist on carrying the grief with us forever, wherever we go, and pass it along to other human beings that have absolutely nothing to do with whatever happened to us. How God damn unfair are we, poor human beings? I still get impressed by that, seriously.
I am not gonna go through aaaallll the drama in my life until the present moment, but I can tell you that Ive got my fair share of betrayal, violence, lies, dissapointments, stealing, broken dreams... enough to turn me into a high violence mass murderer, to start. Thank God Im not one today, but I sure keep a lot of this pain inside of me. So does everybody else. But this past week Ive seen someone not only keeping it all inside, but also punishing people around for that pain. And the sad part is that I could see in this person's eyes that there was so much pain still there that the only protection mode possible was to keep pushing people away, and treating they bad, in a way to keep the distance of any sort of human relationship. In my life, specially here in USA, I think Ive met at least 5 guys that had been screwed by some bitch and are COMPLETELY messed up even after years! - one of them couldnt even pronounce the name of his ex wife that cheated on him after 6 years they were divorced without getting red in anger. Thats some scary shit, you know? I used to feel pretty bad about this guy and tried to help until the point I realized I coudnt be mother Theresa and save the world, he had to do his part...
How hard it is to just let it go all those bad things and open our hearts to whatever the universe is going to bring us, huh? We all have our fears, be we all want love, we want to be loved. But how can we be loved if we dont open up and show our deepest layers so the other one can know who we are completely? Then I hear people complaining all the time they are alone and single. But these same people are all locked up in their private litle "ive been hurt, back up" world! How paradoxal is that? Once I asked someone emotionally unavailable the reason to be so closed, and the answer was: "Its boring, but its safe". People are just trading happiness for security! Oh God, where are we going??
I was so dissapointed this week that I promissed for a day to change: to be cold, closed, not to help, not to love, not to trust, not to open up. This promisse lasted no longer than a day. Because Im not like that, first of all, and second of all, what the fuck? So because two or three people have character flaws and made their doo-doos on me, Ill go around punishing people for that? I refuse to do that, I really do. And Im tired of seeing people suffering inside, with so much anger and pain and bringing this up in the wrong way, treating special people badly, passing up chances of happiness... simply for fear, for random anger. Its just sad. God has made us resilient creatures for a reason. So we could face the storms and still stand still. We all have the same chances to start over and be happy, with new friends, new people, new lovers, new partners... Its a matter of choice. And Id rather get hurt and cry but feel all the joys of love and friendship over and over again, than hide, not feeling anything and be numb. I feeling it. Im out there. Im ALIVE. And I can break a milion times but I refuse to get shattered. And I feel bad for those who chose to...
I am not gonna go through aaaallll the drama in my life until the present moment, but I can tell you that Ive got my fair share of betrayal, violence, lies, dissapointments, stealing, broken dreams... enough to turn me into a high violence mass murderer, to start. Thank God Im not one today, but I sure keep a lot of this pain inside of me. So does everybody else. But this past week Ive seen someone not only keeping it all inside, but also punishing people around for that pain. And the sad part is that I could see in this person's eyes that there was so much pain still there that the only protection mode possible was to keep pushing people away, and treating they bad, in a way to keep the distance of any sort of human relationship. In my life, specially here in USA, I think Ive met at least 5 guys that had been screwed by some bitch and are COMPLETELY messed up even after years! - one of them couldnt even pronounce the name of his ex wife that cheated on him after 6 years they were divorced without getting red in anger. Thats some scary shit, you know? I used to feel pretty bad about this guy and tried to help until the point I realized I coudnt be mother Theresa and save the world, he had to do his part...
How hard it is to just let it go all those bad things and open our hearts to whatever the universe is going to bring us, huh? We all have our fears, be we all want love, we want to be loved. But how can we be loved if we dont open up and show our deepest layers so the other one can know who we are completely? Then I hear people complaining all the time they are alone and single. But these same people are all locked up in their private litle "ive been hurt, back up" world! How paradoxal is that? Once I asked someone emotionally unavailable the reason to be so closed, and the answer was: "Its boring, but its safe". People are just trading happiness for security! Oh God, where are we going??
I was so dissapointed this week that I promissed for a day to change: to be cold, closed, not to help, not to love, not to trust, not to open up. This promisse lasted no longer than a day. Because Im not like that, first of all, and second of all, what the fuck? So because two or three people have character flaws and made their doo-doos on me, Ill go around punishing people for that? I refuse to do that, I really do. And Im tired of seeing people suffering inside, with so much anger and pain and bringing this up in the wrong way, treating special people badly, passing up chances of happiness... simply for fear, for random anger. Its just sad. God has made us resilient creatures for a reason. So we could face the storms and still stand still. We all have the same chances to start over and be happy, with new friends, new people, new lovers, new partners... Its a matter of choice. And Id rather get hurt and cry but feel all the joys of love and friendship over and over again, than hide, not feeling anything and be numb. I feeling it. Im out there. Im ALIVE. And I can break a milion times but I refuse to get shattered. And I feel bad for those who chose to...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
How far should we go?
Today I decided to spoil myself - Lord please send me a man that will loooove to spoil me and then Ill be all set - and got a full back massage and new expensive bed sheets, the ones you feel like youre melting into them when youre laying down. I sure deserve it. Then I started to think about the many many times we forget to spoil ourselves, more importantly, we forget to LOVE ourselves in order to fit somewhere, to belong to some group, to hold something, to be in a relationship. We often mess up our priorities and put something or someone ahead of us, leaving whatever is left for our own. I can tell you Im a champion on doing that, and yes, I fight this bad habit on a daily basis because I know how harmful this is for my personal grownth and emotional development.
I always had the tendency to give more, and more and more so I could get something. Anything was fine. Just give me something. The lack of love and affection in my entire life had made me a slave of "the love of the others" since Ive known myself as a person. I must confess Ive made some progress on that and do not act like a hungry mutt staring at a piece of rotisserie chicken on the glass window. But I sure still forget sometimes whos the most important person here. Im always the giver. Always. And if I get lucky enough to receive something, its just fine. Ive been taught to stop rewarding people that arent giving me or doing anything good for me and start rewarding myself with more self-love and respect. That includes stay away from empty relationships, do not take bullshit from stupid people at work, delete from my life people that only made me cry - even if those were the ones that brought me to this world. My need of proving to everyone that Im a good human being had kept me from doing that for so long. And theres still so much work to do...
How far should we go when it comes to show your middle finger to the world and move on - do whatever you want to do just because thats whats gonna please YOU, just YOU? How far? How long should I wait to forget I have parents and take the weird looks and question marks on people's face when I mention I have no mother and father just as an ordinary look? Have I been always procastinating this moment just because Im afraid of what the society is going to think of me, even though, deep in my heart, this decision had been made since I was a teenager? How long should I remain in a relationship that gives me more question marks than goosebumps just because everyone else had told me I need to give it some more time? Should I take coldness, lack of interest, lack of emotional attachment, lack of ROMANCE and all the things Im missing just because we are not suppose to expect all the things we want from someone we are dating for not too long? Says who?
As a weak and constantly learning human being, I must confess this is hard as hell to do. It shouldnt, right? And if this is easy for you, please contact me, cuz I wanna learn. I want to learn how to be less available for people that dont even care much when they are with me or not. I want to learn how to be less organized and perfectionist and let the mess take place for at least once in my professional life - I wanto to be late because I overslept, for once. I want to stop trying to prove to everybody that Ive got reasons to chose to have no parents, and simply stand by my choice. Id like to stop being so nice and helpful to people that I barely know just because I want them to remember me as "that friendly girl" someday. I want to free myself from this vicious circle that keeps me from being and doing what I trully want to, in order to please someone or something. I want to expect that a man will treat me as a woman should be treated and not listen to everybody that says "theres no such a thing" or " you cant expect too much from men". I want to learn how to do that.
How far should I go? You tell me.
I always had the tendency to give more, and more and more so I could get something. Anything was fine. Just give me something. The lack of love and affection in my entire life had made me a slave of "the love of the others" since Ive known myself as a person. I must confess Ive made some progress on that and do not act like a hungry mutt staring at a piece of rotisserie chicken on the glass window. But I sure still forget sometimes whos the most important person here. Im always the giver. Always. And if I get lucky enough to receive something, its just fine. Ive been taught to stop rewarding people that arent giving me or doing anything good for me and start rewarding myself with more self-love and respect. That includes stay away from empty relationships, do not take bullshit from stupid people at work, delete from my life people that only made me cry - even if those were the ones that brought me to this world. My need of proving to everyone that Im a good human being had kept me from doing that for so long. And theres still so much work to do...
How far should we go when it comes to show your middle finger to the world and move on - do whatever you want to do just because thats whats gonna please YOU, just YOU? How far? How long should I wait to forget I have parents and take the weird looks and question marks on people's face when I mention I have no mother and father just as an ordinary look? Have I been always procastinating this moment just because Im afraid of what the society is going to think of me, even though, deep in my heart, this decision had been made since I was a teenager? How long should I remain in a relationship that gives me more question marks than goosebumps just because everyone else had told me I need to give it some more time? Should I take coldness, lack of interest, lack of emotional attachment, lack of ROMANCE and all the things Im missing just because we are not suppose to expect all the things we want from someone we are dating for not too long? Says who?
As a weak and constantly learning human being, I must confess this is hard as hell to do. It shouldnt, right? And if this is easy for you, please contact me, cuz I wanna learn. I want to learn how to be less available for people that dont even care much when they are with me or not. I want to learn how to be less organized and perfectionist and let the mess take place for at least once in my professional life - I wanto to be late because I overslept, for once. I want to stop trying to prove to everybody that Ive got reasons to chose to have no parents, and simply stand by my choice. Id like to stop being so nice and helpful to people that I barely know just because I want them to remember me as "that friendly girl" someday. I want to free myself from this vicious circle that keeps me from being and doing what I trully want to, in order to please someone or something. I want to expect that a man will treat me as a woman should be treated and not listen to everybody that says "theres no such a thing" or " you cant expect too much from men". I want to learn how to do that.
How far should I go? You tell me.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
GM my ass!
Today I had to coach a girl at work. Shes a very pretty Japanese girl - I mean woman, since she mentioned shes 36 even though she looks like shes 16 - that has been living here for a while to dance hula. She asked what I was gonna do tonight, Saturday night and such.. I told her I was gonna just stay home and rest and she said she was gonna do the same; saty home with her boyfriend. I was like 'oh, you are in much better condition than me! Youve got your man to cuddle with!" She looks at me and for the first time I can see the white part of a japanese person's eye: "Cuddle? No. no, we dont cuddle, we are japanese. No cuddle. Me here, he there." I dont know if it was because it was late, I was tired, my feet hurt and I just wasnt processing the info very well, but it took me a while to diggest what that tiny piece of pretty human being had said. What do you mean no cuddle?
Not too late after the initial shock, we launched the subject Ive been debating with my therapist for months - yes, the store was empty and we were bored - about the HUGE, I mean HUGE cultural diferences in some relationships... I have been in this country for almost 4 years now and I dont remember to have met one brazilian woman that does not complain of her american partner's "coldness". I dont mean only in bed, I mean, in general. Then the japanese girl said: "They are not cold, they are cold FOR YOUR LEVEL of affection needs." Bingo. She said it all. And completed: "When american guys date us, japanese, they are the ones that complain that we are cold". Her statement sounded more complicated than a math equation to my ears. She added that the first time she saw me - which was in a training few months ago where we DID NOT exchange any words - she realized that I was very, very affectionate, warm and bright - her words. So she tried patiently to tell me that I should find someone able to fulfill those affection needs of mine. Go figure sister, I have been working on it for the past 26 years now.
Dr. Gold, my beloved therapist has given me this stupid homework: she wants me to experience the same shallow level of emotional attachment and affection that some people that had crossed my path had given me. She taught me not to play stupid and give exactely what I get. If I get a "GM", reply "GM" instead of "Good morning! How are you? Hope you have a wonderful day!". If I dont get any cumpliment on my look and any kind of kind and loving comment, shush as well. If no hug, dont hug. If no kiss, dont try to kiss. Ive been trying to be a good girl and follow what she said but seriously... fuck that shit. FUCK THAT SHIT. So now I have to lower my personal standards in order to have someone by my side? If I want to cuddle, I want to cuddle and I shall cuddle with someone! Now! Im not a GM person, GM makes cars as far as I know. I pamper and spoil. Im clingy. Im bubble gum close. Im romantic and affectionate to the point even a golden retriever cant stand laying next to me for too long without needing some air and space. And I give always 100% of all my love today because I will have it all again tomorrow to give away. Then comes Mrs. phd in something telling me to follow the lead? Whats up with that? What about my essence, my real me here? Do I put it aside and just pretend to be american now? Or else what? Ill be single forever?
I know how a man should treat me - you know who you are over there moto-moto - and I wont settle for less than that. No cuddle? Next! No pda? Next! Im not gonna follow the lead of people with no heart and no clue what affection is. I dont want to experience this lack of emotional attachment, why would I anyways? Ive done lots of stupid things in my life, but I wont be that stupid to the point I will change who I am and the amount of affection I need in order to fit this society mode. And I feel bad for my japanese friend: While shes got a man in a Saturday night but no cuddle, Ive got no man, but all the hopes when he finds me, we will freaking cuddle, and make out, and be tangled to eachother for as long as we can be. And by the way, GM my ass! Its good morning my queen, how did you sleep? Thats how it is.
Not too late after the initial shock, we launched the subject Ive been debating with my therapist for months - yes, the store was empty and we were bored - about the HUGE, I mean HUGE cultural diferences in some relationships... I have been in this country for almost 4 years now and I dont remember to have met one brazilian woman that does not complain of her american partner's "coldness". I dont mean only in bed, I mean, in general. Then the japanese girl said: "They are not cold, they are cold FOR YOUR LEVEL of affection needs." Bingo. She said it all. And completed: "When american guys date us, japanese, they are the ones that complain that we are cold". Her statement sounded more complicated than a math equation to my ears. She added that the first time she saw me - which was in a training few months ago where we DID NOT exchange any words - she realized that I was very, very affectionate, warm and bright - her words. So she tried patiently to tell me that I should find someone able to fulfill those affection needs of mine. Go figure sister, I have been working on it for the past 26 years now.
Dr. Gold, my beloved therapist has given me this stupid homework: she wants me to experience the same shallow level of emotional attachment and affection that some people that had crossed my path had given me. She taught me not to play stupid and give exactely what I get. If I get a "GM", reply "GM" instead of "Good morning! How are you? Hope you have a wonderful day!". If I dont get any cumpliment on my look and any kind of kind and loving comment, shush as well. If no hug, dont hug. If no kiss, dont try to kiss. Ive been trying to be a good girl and follow what she said but seriously... fuck that shit. FUCK THAT SHIT. So now I have to lower my personal standards in order to have someone by my side? If I want to cuddle, I want to cuddle and I shall cuddle with someone! Now! Im not a GM person, GM makes cars as far as I know. I pamper and spoil. Im clingy. Im bubble gum close. Im romantic and affectionate to the point even a golden retriever cant stand laying next to me for too long without needing some air and space. And I give always 100% of all my love today because I will have it all again tomorrow to give away. Then comes Mrs. phd in something telling me to follow the lead? Whats up with that? What about my essence, my real me here? Do I put it aside and just pretend to be american now? Or else what? Ill be single forever?
I know how a man should treat me - you know who you are over there moto-moto - and I wont settle for less than that. No cuddle? Next! No pda? Next! Im not gonna follow the lead of people with no heart and no clue what affection is. I dont want to experience this lack of emotional attachment, why would I anyways? Ive done lots of stupid things in my life, but I wont be that stupid to the point I will change who I am and the amount of affection I need in order to fit this society mode. And I feel bad for my japanese friend: While shes got a man in a Saturday night but no cuddle, Ive got no man, but all the hopes when he finds me, we will freaking cuddle, and make out, and be tangled to eachother for as long as we can be. And by the way, GM my ass! Its good morning my queen, how did you sleep? Thats how it is.
Nice to meet me again; Im back!
It has been more than a year and a half since I wrote my very last post. It was my official good bye to the single lady life. I was about to get married and assumed my post wouldn't be as interesting as they used to be when I was free as I bird and wild as any other 25 year old would be. I was about to become Mrs. something and in one of the most painful moments of my life, I decided to delete my blog, with no explanations whatsoever to those who had been following me for so long. Yes, I was ungrateful and unfair to them. And it took me a while to overcome the guilt. I also closed the Myspace account, where my blog was held in a desperate attempt to cut any other possibility to be found. I just chose to shut the lights off and disappear. Start my new "married woman" life and live all I ever thought, dreamed, wrote and shared with so many people around the world behind.Like if it was that simple.
For those of you that still have no clue of what Im talking about, let me introduce myself to you; I was born Patricia, almost 27 years ago back in Brazil. And Im gonna skip - for now - everything in between till the moment I became Trish living in this lovely country I dare to call home, USA. My passion for books and writing is not new. Ive been always a book worm and my biggest frustration in life is that I was never able to enter Journalism school. So I took the Marketing thing but held inside that passion I have for the words and the power they have. Being as open as an open book, sharing my feelings and thought was never an issue for me... so back in 2008 I decided to randomly write some stuff I had in my mind about all this girlsxguys thing in my myspace page. I wasnt really writing specifically to anyone; writing is venting for me. I was talking to the walls. But I didnt know that the walls had ears, and eyes. Afetr few months posting constantly Ive noticed that my blogs were jumping from 5 visits a day to 50, 60. And I started to wonder who the hell were those people since I only had 34 myspace friends. My profile was public tho.. but how did whomever those people were found me? And why were they reading what I had to say? I kept posting in a regular basis, always with topics related to this so complicated thing called relationships.. as I watched the numbers of visits jump from 60 to 100 then from 200 to 400. Until the day I will never forget, when I posted about "French kiss" and had a whoping 1250 views in one day. Ok, lets be honest here. Famous bloggers got 10000 times more than that. But, excuse me, they are famous. They have a name. I was a housekeeper that was still learning english and had 35 friends in this entire island. That was a sign that somehow, whatever I was writing, was being entertaining to someone.
The emails from all countries you can imagine - including those I didnt even know were in the map - wouldnt stop arriving and so the beloved followers that would remind me to write something soon because they were waiting anxiously. One of them used to call me Carrie Bradshaw of Hawaii (uh..no, thanks). Some were asking when I was gonna write a book. Some of them were just laughin at my poor English and cheesy posts. Some of them offered me a publisher. Then the publisher offered me a contract. Then everything changed. I stopped. Instead of taking adavantage of the moment, I stopped. I chose to delete my blog, all my hard work, all my fans and followers because I was getting married. Do you understand? M-A-R-R-I-E-D. Such a great reason to dropp of you dreams like that. Oh Jesus, the stupid things we do when we are in love. Mercy me.
Oh well... time has passed. Shit had happened. Lots of them. Let me emphasize that: LOTS OF SHIT HAD HAPPENED, but Im still me. With zero followers today.. just venting to the walls and no expectations whatsoever. I just want to vent. And fell again the pleasure I have whenever I touch this keyboard to write. Like it has always been. And like will always be. Just me again, open like an open book. Welcome to my world; once again.
For those of you that still have no clue of what Im talking about, let me introduce myself to you; I was born Patricia, almost 27 years ago back in Brazil. And Im gonna skip - for now - everything in between till the moment I became Trish living in this lovely country I dare to call home, USA. My passion for books and writing is not new. Ive been always a book worm and my biggest frustration in life is that I was never able to enter Journalism school. So I took the Marketing thing but held inside that passion I have for the words and the power they have. Being as open as an open book, sharing my feelings and thought was never an issue for me... so back in 2008 I decided to randomly write some stuff I had in my mind about all this girlsxguys thing in my myspace page. I wasnt really writing specifically to anyone; writing is venting for me. I was talking to the walls. But I didnt know that the walls had ears, and eyes. Afetr few months posting constantly Ive noticed that my blogs were jumping from 5 visits a day to 50, 60. And I started to wonder who the hell were those people since I only had 34 myspace friends. My profile was public tho.. but how did whomever those people were found me? And why were they reading what I had to say? I kept posting in a regular basis, always with topics related to this so complicated thing called relationships.. as I watched the numbers of visits jump from 60 to 100 then from 200 to 400. Until the day I will never forget, when I posted about "French kiss" and had a whoping 1250 views in one day. Ok, lets be honest here. Famous bloggers got 10000 times more than that. But, excuse me, they are famous. They have a name. I was a housekeeper that was still learning english and had 35 friends in this entire island. That was a sign that somehow, whatever I was writing, was being entertaining to someone.
The emails from all countries you can imagine - including those I didnt even know were in the map - wouldnt stop arriving and so the beloved followers that would remind me to write something soon because they were waiting anxiously. One of them used to call me Carrie Bradshaw of Hawaii (uh..no, thanks). Some were asking when I was gonna write a book. Some of them were just laughin at my poor English and cheesy posts. Some of them offered me a publisher. Then the publisher offered me a contract. Then everything changed. I stopped. Instead of taking adavantage of the moment, I stopped. I chose to delete my blog, all my hard work, all my fans and followers because I was getting married. Do you understand? M-A-R-R-I-E-D. Such a great reason to dropp of you dreams like that. Oh Jesus, the stupid things we do when we are in love. Mercy me.
Oh well... time has passed. Shit had happened. Lots of them. Let me emphasize that: LOTS OF SHIT HAD HAPPENED, but Im still me. With zero followers today.. just venting to the walls and no expectations whatsoever. I just want to vent. And fell again the pleasure I have whenever I touch this keyboard to write. Like it has always been. And like will always be. Just me again, open like an open book. Welcome to my world; once again.
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